“I kick myself mentally for checking out in the first place, which—depending on the partner—can completely ruin the mood,” Aishah says. “I’m thinking about focusing and being present rather than actually being focused and present.”
Aishah admits she has even abruptly ended sex multiple times because of the self-condemnation that typically follows moments like these.
ADHD and orgasms: Tips from the experts
While Dr. Pendersen and Jensen-Fogt’s research is a step in the right direction, it’s only one of a very limited pool of studies on sexual functioning for anyone with ADHD. With so little information out there, it’s easier for women whose symptoms may interfere with their sex life (and inevitably their orgasms) to be left feeling shameful or abnormal.
“Sorry to the boys who have experienced me staring at a ceiling wondering what I am going to have for dinner that night,” jokes Aishah. (Kind of.)
Aishah may feel apologetic, but Laura Nolan, a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in clinical sexology, ADHD, and women’s health, insists there’s no reason to be. As she explains, women with ADHD often feel guilt around their sexual interactions, in part because they tend to assume their inattentiveness with a partner is a sign that they’re not interested. Instead, it’s merely a cue that a new approach should be taken.
“Overthinking and distractibility might simply be communicating the need for more organizational structure, transition time, or increased stimulation during sex,” Nolan says. In fact, you may subconsciously already have methods in place to manage your ADHD symptoms when they rear their head during sex.
“Things like eye contact, touching, kissing, or being intentional in some way keep me grounded in the moment,” says Stevey about how she stays present with a partner. Sometimes this means touching herself; other times she tries to tune into the sensations she’s feeling. For Aishah, face-to-face sex positions help bring her back to her body and the moment—which means a higher chance at orgasming.
Of course, orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all when it comes to sex. “Women can experience sexual satisfaction, even with the absence of orgasm,” says Jensen-Fogt. If it’s occasionally hard to get in the mood, that shouldn’t be cause for concern. “But it’s the consistent sort of delay or absence of orgasm that’s also commonly correlated with lower levels of sexual satisfaction. So it’s still pretty important.”
Jensen-Fogt hopes that her research is a catalyst for a long-overdue investment into women’s sexual and mental health, and how one may affect the other. She already has ideas on practical next steps in this research, including studying how ADHD may affect orgasm during masturbation and what happens when medication comes into play. In the meantime, she encourages women with ADHD to feel validated in their struggles with sex and to start considering their symptoms more seriously when speaking to mental health professionals and doctors.
“It’s like putting pieces of a puzzle together,” says Aishah when asked how ADHD affects her sex life. “It’s like, Ah, yes, now I understand why this happens.”